We’ve been fine for a couple of days, he finally got out of his little funk for the most part, then yesterday he was back at it. Instead of talking back, I just walked outside. Gave him his space. A few minutes later he came out to smoke a cig and just started talkin.. He was talkin about the Marines and everything they did. Rifle stuff, formations, everything.
I asked him if it was something he’d forget and he says, “hell no.. That’s something I’ll always remember. We were trained not to laugh, smile, flinch. We were robots. Killing robots……. I think that’s why when I see you cry sometimes… I think your a baby.. I don’t think your a baby when I really think about it, but my mentality automatically says your a baby. I can’t control that… I don’t know how to turn that off..”

I didn’t interrupt him, I just let him talk.. He’s never talked to me about what he’s been thru before. I mean, he’s talked to me about being on ship, and different countries he’s got to surf when he was on ship, but never the details I guess.. Never the Marine stuff.

Maybe that’s why almost every time we watch something funny, he doesn’t react. Not because he doesn’t think it’s funny, but because he was trained not to react. Like he said, “it’s something embedded in my brain. I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to.”

I think that’s why he’s had a hard time adjusting to the civilian life. He says he hates who he works with because they’re always joking and don’t take their job seriously. He says he’s never been around a group of people who don’t give a shit about their jobs before. I asked if he could go back, would he? He says most likely. The structure and discipline is what he misses the most. He says (from what he’s experienced) civilians lack that.

And I get that completely. I’ve been my dads right hand man for a few years now, and we go through employees like underwear. Everyone wants to get paid, but no one wants to earn it.

To me, it sounds more like PTSD than depression, but from what I can see, PTSD triggers it.

I hope he decides to go to his appointment. I’d hate for him to get medicated, but it’s not permanent. Maybe he might need that little help to get him thru this adjustment.

Ok, I’m ranting. :-P
Thanks for letting me vent.